The Angry Young Man

Went out to see Sicko today, only to discover, much to my surprise, that it was sold out. So, against my better instincts, I forked out eleven American dollars to see Hairspray instead. As the world's worst gay, it should be pretty obvious to everyone that I hate musicals. Hate 'em. People bursting into song and choreographed dance numbers in the middle of the street for no particular reason whatsoever has always done nothing but annoy me. I don't know why. I can maybe stomach a musical if it has some good melodies, but that's it. In my world, Stephen Sondheim is wanted for committing crimes against humanity, taste, and decency. I should also note that the original Hairspray is one of my all time favorite films. I've easily seen it more than 50 times, on two continents. Naturally, I'm going to be prejudiced.

So, what did I think of Hairspray the musical? Meh. First, I noticed that that they managed to find my high school wardrobe with which to clothe Link Larkin (Zac Efron). If you're curious as to what I looked like as a teenager, check him out, only imagine someone far more imposing and handsome. See that sweater in the photo? As a junior in high school I actually owned and wore that sweater regularly as I drove around on my 1965 Vespa 150 Super Sport. They called me the polyester king, as everything in my closet was rayon, all made prior to 1966, save my bowling shoes. If anyone sees Mr. Efron, tell him I want my sweater back. I digress. Zac Efron, as Link Larkin? I didn't get it. He's like 12. Link Larkin is supposed to be sexy and slightly dangerous, a bad boy. You have to remember that people who had big hair and danced to "race music" in the early 1960's were lacking a certain respectability. They were cool in the way hipsters used to be cool before the entire world became, well, overrun by hipsters. Remember? This musical sucked all the fun out of that and sanitized it. Furthermore, he drops Tracy when she announces her intention to march for integration because he's worried what impact it'll have on his career? What the hell? These are Boomers here. Where's the much vaunted idealism? The hopeful tomorrow tomorrow land of Kennedy Era America? That's something someone today would do, not circa 1962. I didn't get it.

Nicky Blonsky and John Travolta were not nearly as annoying as I anticipated them to be. The cool thing about Blonsky is that she was pretty much Ricki Lake were Ricki Lake to have made a musical rather than the original movie. Plus, she really can dance. She's a better dancer than Lake. Other than that, her giant nose bugged me. She needs a nose job after the stomach staple. Maybe she can get a twofer deal somewhere. Travolta? What's the point of throwing a man in a dress if he's not going to do drag? Edna Turnblad is a role for a drag queen, not John Travolta. Plus, the Bal'mer accent - appreciated, but what's the point if no one else is going to do it too? Also, the only character with any development in the film is Travolta's Edna Turnblad. She's sensitive and shy about her weight and concerned for how Tracy is going to be treated by the outside world. Then, following Tracy's example, she becomes Charo. Great. This sort of growth in character would be totally cool were it accompanied by other characters who also grew and developed throughout the film. None of them did. Travolta's Edna just underscores how flat and two dimensional the rest of the cast is - they're all fully developed cartoons while Travolta unleashes acting all over the place.

The rest of the cast just bugged me. I never saw the point in casting big time talent like Allison Janney in two second roles like Prudy Pingleton. The woman is a comedic genius and she had like three lines. Why bother? They should have saved their American dollars and cast an unknown for all the role was really worth. Another thing - the hair. None of the hair was particularly big. Hairspray needs HUGE HAIR. Giant hair, like the do sported by Deborah Harry at the end of the original that concealed a bomb. That's hair. Finally, the songs, while not sucking entirely, were nothing to write home about. Plus, there were way too many of them. And, Little Inez isn't so little. Disconcerting. Frankly, I just wanted to leave the theater about a third of the way through. I did appreciate the cameos by Ricki Lake as a William Morris agent and John Waters as a flasher, though. Nice.

To be honest, my favorite part of the movie was the 45 minutes of previews when I learned they've made a sequel to the outstanding Elizabeth starring Cate Blanchett. Cool. That's a film I'm looking forward to seeing.

Hairspray
107 Minutes
Rated PG