The Angry Young Man

Right. Leona Helmsley, the "Queen of Mean" keeled over dead today. She was 372 years old (don't believe Bear Schmear, he's just being generous). A lot of the gays hated La Helmsley because, well, she hated the gays even more. See, they didn't even have the gays when she was growing up in the 18th century, so when faced with a gay employee she did what they did when she was a young lady – she fired his ass. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It’s a shame really that the people of Homoslavia considered La Helmsley to be a post-modern Eva Braun, Jr., as she was the living embodiment of that prima dona personality that so many of us find appealing and, by the time she popped onto the scene, had become so rare. I mean, this was a woman who'd swim laps while making her staff of Filipinas run from one end of the pool to the other so they could ply her with sugar plums as she completed each lap. "Feed the fishie! Feed the fishie!" she'd cackle to her slaves. Then, she'd use 20 towels to dry herself off. How do we know this? Because it was all reported during her 1989 trial for tax evasion. What does any of this have to do with tax evasion? Nothing at all. The woman wasn't convicted of cheating the IRS, so much as she was for being a nouveau riche bitch. La Helmsley was a fascinating icon of 1980's America and Ray Gun Era greed run amuck. Somewhat tragically, she spent the last years of her life isolated in her penthouse, her only company some mangy canine companion, bereft of human relationships of any kind (save for her staff of Filipinas). Say what you might about what an awful person she was, I wouldn’t wish that kind of end on anyone.

Tammy Faye, Leona Helmsley, who’s next? The 1980’s are dying before us and we’re not even done fighting back against the 1970’s…