Home with Cold
Right. Am home sick with a cold, though I can't really tell if I'm still sick or not as have been doped up on heavy doses of cold medicine the last two days. Am drinking coffee in attempt to snap out of Ny-Quil/Thera-Flu cocktail induced haze. Feel like Neely O'Hara emerging from an especially effective sleep therapy session down at the funny farm. Basically slept all of Thursday, awaking only long enough to slurp down some chicken soup and scowl in disgust at the mess that is Maison le Trou. Have no doubts that were it not for my normally diligent efforts, flatmates would let the cave walls collapse around them, stuffed solid with old newspapers and hundreds of cats, as they lolled about in their undergarments, reading books, and gorging on bon bons. Vacuum, sweep, mop, and sanitize, you lazy slobs! This kind of squalor is the height of bourgeois decadence and I will not tolerate it, I tell you! I'll have you both rounded up and shipped off to the camps of North Dakota where they'll quickly and efficiently lobotomize the both of you with an ice pick and a rubber mallet before conditioning you to properly mop a floor with electric shocks for every dirt laden strip of wet water left behind as you day dream about lounging about on a chaise, popping chocolates, and watching endless re-runs of "The Price is Right." Slovenly beasts! I swear, between the two of you there are at least four additional deadly sins God totally forgot to write down!
Wet water? I need more coffee...
Anyway, getting sick this week was fortuitous as have Thursday and Friday off before starting my new old job on Monday. Yes, after six months at new firm, decided was major train wreck (no pun intended) and am now returning to old firm with promotion and accompanying benes. No, did not go begging for old job back. Once it became apparent that I hated new gig, they approached me a few times over the last couple months and after saying no twice, discussing my situation with my sister (a heinous and evil HR lady), decided that my future is far brighter in the direction I came from than down the dusty highways and sprawl I was being asked to defend at the new gig. Am eager to re-embark on new old career path where no doubt gold, glory, glamour, and a two bedroom condo in Portland's Pearl District await me.
Was up in Portland last weekend with Breetard for a brief inspection tour. Main focus of tour was my participation in friends Chris and Jerry's big, gay wedding. I was one of Chris's groomsmen, forced to wear the world's most uncomfortable and unflattering tuxedo. Bree said, imagine the ugliest bridesmaid dress ever, now imagine Chris...Must not have looked too bad as ended up drunkenly making out with fellow from law school back stage behind the band after licking wedding cake off his fingers. Hrmmm. Wedding was great amusement, actually, good times. Plus, Chris remembered to have bottle of scotch stashed away behind bar just for me! That’s a pal, mang! Wedding event was preceded by several drunken pre-wedding dinners and receptions and now feel like liver wants to leave the country. Had to pee all through the ceremony which was at least 20 minutes long. One of the nicest weddings I’ve been to though.
On Thursday night, after pre-wedding hoedown, was hoping to meet up with acquaintance from high school whom I recently ran into on the innerwebs. Wandered down Portland's Vaseline Alley slowly, drinking beers and making my way back towards my hotel waiting for him to call, which he never did. Corn flake. No big, as was whistled at on Stark Street and struck up conversation with several Generation NPJ (Narcissistic Praise Junkies) kids at Ringler's Annex, my old neighborhood watering hole back during law school. Smart kids. Say what you want about these mollycoddled whippersnappers who were pooped out during the 80's and 90's, they have far better manners than us 60's and 70's kids do. Inneresting. Our two generations were raised in drastically different ways. I mean, think about this. Way back in the 60's and 70's, we'd ride our bikes without a helmet, miles away from home, way past dark, getting into all sorts of trouble and our parents were basically indifferent as they were too busy planning their next key party and/or divorce to pay much attention. We grew up without seat belts in a time when everyone smoked everywhere and a diet plate was a mound of cottage cheese, a slice of iceberg, and a hamburger patty. People rag on Brittany Spears for driving her whelps around without a license, let alone baby seats and seat belts while totally forgetting that this was basically how we were all transported about back in the day. These 80's babies, on the other hand, were carted around in Volvos with "Baby On Board" placards in the rear window, never rode their bikes without helmets, and were never allowed outside of the house except for perhaps AYSO, lest they be snatched away by the day care owning, Satanic child molesters that lurked on every street corner. We were the last generation of American children who had any freedom. These new upstarts, they have East Germany written all over them. Ponder that.
On Sunday, hung out with love of my life, KenLRation. We rode the streetcar to the new OHSU gondola and trekked about the Pearl District, perusing the charming tschokes of the Third World at Cargo, and spending quality time in the new Tanner Springs Park. The park, by the way, is really cool – lots of native wetlands vegetation, a small stream, and a sharp little koi pond all in a square block. Very nicely designed. Urban hipsters turn their noses up at the Pearl as some sort of yuppie haven, but I have to say that it’s still one of my favorite neighborhoods in the Western World. In fact, Portland is absolutely hands down my favorite city in North America. I want to move back there straight away! This proclamation must of course be taken with several grains of salt as you will recall I wanted to move back to Minneapolis after I made my inspection tour of the Twin Cities back in 2006. Both towns are exciting, dynamic places that in several ways have a lot more going for them than my tired old San Francisco, her feces smeared sidewalks cluttered with human detritus that the materialistic, newly moneyed can step across as they bounce from suburban assault vehicle to latest chic restaurant, liberal in self-indulgent sex and drugs, if nothing else. San Francisco has gone down the stony end, my friends. Come back to the five and dime, San Francisco, San Francisco…
OK, am snapping out of it and spy blue sky out my window. Think I’ll dash up to Best Buy to purchase a new vacuum cleaner, just as soon as I finish a second pot of coffee…
Comments
I've been sicker longer and worse than you, so get off my back about the messy house, which you just noticed now? Hmph!
Posted by: Huntington | October 19, 2007 12:22 PM
Yeaaaah! Didn't stop you from spending last night drunkenly wandering the streets! As soon as you get home, I'm putting you to work, mother fucker! There's cleaning to be done around this pad, dig? Be warned!
Posted by: The Angry Young Man | October 19, 2007 12:42 PM
"between the two of you there are at least four additional deadly sins God totally forgot to write down!" is the funniest thing I've seen in at least the last 24 hours. At present, I am heading home from my office all achy and miserable. virulent pestilence, this is.
Posted by: Edubya | October 19, 2007 12:51 PM
Kevin and I had a quiet dinner at his place, watched Firefly, and sipped lightly at 2-buck Chuck. And, yes, except for going to pick up the car for my own PDX inspection tour, I plan to pitch in for a few hours tonight. Donc, tais-toi.
Posted by: Huntington | October 19, 2007 01:06 PM
Whatever, Hitler.
Posted by: The Angry Young Man | October 19, 2007 01:22 PM
You suck that picture should not be on the net. I slide I did not fall.
Posted by: Bree | October 19, 2007 04:47 PM
Why am I not surprised that your favorite city is that boring dump called Portland? What inspires you most about Portland? Is it Hawthorne Blvd. with its crowds of purple Birkenstock-wearing dykes clutching their mugs of organic/fair trade non-Starbucks coffee while perusing "ethically produced" Guatemalan-fabric pants and vests? Or perhaps the "quirky" local art scene? Maybe the endless rainy winters where you ensconce yourself with other winter-pale, chubby Portlanders at various beer-'n-pizza movie joints which infest that city like so many poisonous spores appeal to you?
Ugh, Portland. They like to call themselves a "smaller version of Seattle" but what they really are is a BIGGER version of Spokane, but with more rain.
Posted by: Shane | October 20, 2007 07:37 PM
Oh Shane... you charmer... how you go on!
Posted by: ken (from Portland) | October 21, 2007 11:19 AM
Shane, you are truly hilarious. You’re like my own personal version of Descartes’s evil genius. Your description of the Hawthorne is pure vintage. When were you last there? 1989? Do you forget that I live in the Haight?
See, unlike you, Shane, I didn't grow up in some rubbish strewn trailer court in the Rocky Mountains with a rusted out refrigerator lying on its side in my front yard. I come from an affluent California town, that like many parts of the state, San Francisco included, has been ruined by nouveau riche assholes who in their youth were undoubtedly dismissed for their poverty and are now bitterly trying to get revenge against the world by reinventing themselves through pretentious displays of grotesque materialism. Conspicuous consumption of the kind that is celebrated here is disgusting and offends my sensibilities. I have no time or patience for the newly moneyed on their Dynasty trips and California has been inundated by this element for far too long. What do I like about Portland? It reminds me of California before all this, it’s down to earth, not trying to be anything that it’s not. I like Portland because it has the good taste to be modest. I like Portland because the people there have an appreciation for fine food and wine without all the bullshit that accompanies it here in California. I like the fact that Portland has an active, organic art and music scene that actually extends beyond Burning Man and isn’t solely focused on ironic displays of found objects, hip posturing, and musical stage versions of 1980’s sit-coms. I like Portland because it has a potent independent film scene and the best bookstore in the country. I like Portland because it’s focused on sustainable transit oriented development and has purposely chosen to limit its growth because they like what they have and they want to keep it that way. Oh, and they actually get their projects done. MAX to the airport came in a year early and a million dollars under budget. That’s amazing, practically unheard of in this day and age. They liked their streetcar, so they decided to extend it to the South Waterfront and it didn’t take 25 years of planning and fighting anti-tax NIMBY’s to get it done. Why did it happen? Because Portland is willing to take innovative approaches to planning and development inconceivable in other cities. That’s remarkable. I like Portland because it’s within easy access of mountains, desert, and ocean, none of which are choked by tourists and excess development. I like Portland because it’s quirky and doesn’t have Calcutta like poverty. I don’t have to dodge human turds while walking the streets there – gee, turd free sidewalks, what a concept! I like Portland because it still has some semblance of a local commercial culture and it hasn’t been totally overrun by chain stores, but at the same time, if I want to go to Kiehl’s or Tiffany, they’re right there waiting for me. I like Portland because it has everything SF has, save fine art museums, which, let’s face it, I only ever go to for after work meet and greets with other professional assholes, so hardly a huge loss. Portland has a higher quality of life at a tenth of the cost without all the attitude, affectation, and cultural insecurity (i.e., SF v NY, as if! SF doesn’t even have a legitimate newspaper and it REALLY thinks it’s a world class city. Come off it.). At the end of the day, quality of life is all that really matters and from a cost benefit perspective, I’d pull more quality for less investment out of Portland than I ever would out of SF. As I rapidly approach the point where I’ll finally be able to buy a place in SF, I’ve begun to ask myself whether it’s actually worth the investment. Do I really want to fork out half a million dollars for a poorly constructed, over priced postage stamp in a filthy city full of self-absorbed assholes with apostrophe shaped hair, when I can take the same money, buy an actual house in Portland and enjoy my life without having to worry about beating up homeless people to get into my front door or catching TB while shoved into the N Judah like a sardine in a can? Either the San Francisco I once knew is now dead and gone, or the things I value in life have completely changed. I suspect it’s a combination of both. Frankly, I ultimately think that what I found most appealing about SF is that getting laid here is easier than just about anywhere else on the planet – important when I was 24, not so important in my 30’s.
Oh, and while I’ve heard Portland and Seattle compared, I’ve never heard Portland called “Seattle light.” That’s absurd. Seattle is the stupidest city in North America. However, I have often heard Seattle accused of having Portland envy – which it rightly and most certainly does.
Posted by: The Angry Young Man | October 21, 2007 12:22 PM
You deserve Portland Chris - and it deserves you!
I'm starting to buy into the idea that the more jaded, worn-out hipsters we can deport to Portland the better San Francisco will be.
While my allergies are too severe to contemplate a move to the state with the crappiest educational system W. of the Rockies (it's a crime what they've done to Portland Public Schools, which were once some of the best schools in the country, not to mention U of O) I'll always wish you the best in your reclaimed little Arts n' Crafts Bungalow in inner SE Portland with the silver Prius in the front (only for use during the rainy season of course!), a pot of Made In Oregon miso mung-bean soup bubbling on the stove and OPB on the boob-tube inside!
Oh - and I know why you hate Seattle. You've got to move on from that relationship at some point Chris. I guarantee you you're not going to find what you're looking for in Portland, not unless crystal-addicted meth heads who think Silverado is the height of big-city club culture appeal to you and we both know they do not.
Posted by: Shane | October 21, 2007 01:38 PM
"Oh - and I know why you hate Seattle. You've got to move on from that relationship at some point Chris."
??? What relationship? What are you talking about?
"I guarantee you you're not going to find what you're looking for in Portland..."
What am I looking for, Shane?
"...not unless crystal-addicted meth heads who think Silverado is the height of big-city club culture appeal to you and we both know they do not."
You're right, they do not. I never really hung out at Silverado when I did live in Portland and I doubt I would were I to move back to Portland. Club culture holds no interest to me and unlike you, I'm not desperately trying to reclaim my 20's. All the same, thanks for sharing, Shane.
Posted by: The Angry Young Man | October 21, 2007 02:43 PM
You're giving me Portland-envy. Although I've never wanted to live in Portland before this very moment, reading your rambling excitations makes me desire a bicycle and some Birkenstocks and nights out on the Patio with Oregon wine and the great company of hundreds of vegan neighbors who care for nothing more than eliminating cars and living in an urban utopia.
Posted by: CV Rick | October 21, 2007 05:36 PM
Damn straight! I was going to hold off for a couple years but Shane makes me want to move there RIGHT THIS MINUTE! I think I'll take all my jaded worn out hipster friends with me! God forbid I should leave them behind in a city full of Shane clones when there's mung bean miso soup on the stove!
Posted by: The Angry Young Man | October 21, 2007 07:55 PM
The sooner the better baby. SF isn't big enough for the both of us and since I graduate in 2008 I'll be back soon - and that would be the perfect time for you to haul ass up to good ol' PDX.
Posted by: Shane | October 21, 2007 09:00 PM
http://www.knick-knack.com/rants/places/portland-oregon-sucks.html
Posted by: His Royal Highness | October 21, 2007 09:37 PM
Shane, the criticisms on that blog directed at Portland are inane. I mean, come on, "Portland Drivers Suck"? Yeah, and? Putting aside the fact that I sold my last car in 1997 and that I have no intention of ever buying another one, who cares? I've lived in several cities in both the US and in Europe and in every one of them I encounter a multitude of people from elsewhere who always, always complain that the local drivers suck. The fact is, drivers suck everywhere. "Portland People Suck"? According to the author, they suck because they're a.) Hipsters, and b.) still hanging out with the kids with whom they attended kindergarten. First of all, as regards "a" - I live in San Francisco, the attitude capital of the Western Hemisphere. What's another urban hipster to me? Second, I'm sorry that no one wants to be friends with this person, but perhaps instead of blaming the natives for hating him/her, he/she should look at just WHY they don't want to be friends with him/her. Could it be because all he/she did is complain about how Portland sucked and Denver was better (ha ha ha)? I lived in Minneapolis for four years and spent the first two constantly bitching about Minneapolis and praising SF. People quickly got annoyed and began to wonder why I didn't move back to SF and marry it if I loved it so much. Once I started to appreciate Minneapolis for it's own sake, guess what? I started to make friends with the natives.
It takes a lot of time, usually two to three years to adapt to a new place. This person only lived in Portland for like two years and they didn't even want to be there in the first place. Go figure.
What else? "Oregon taxes suck." So? I live in California where I get to experience the pleasure of paying both income and sales tax. I'm unimpressed by Oregon's tax rate.
In fact, the only criticism that this creature levels that may be half fair is his/her complaint about the weather. No, Portland does not have the world's greatest climate. So? I live in the perpetual wind tunnel that is SF and immediately underneath the edge of the fog belt. Grey and dreary days are sorta par for the course here.
Anyway, thanks for sharing this and I want you to know that I'm almost touched that you're so sad that I may some day abandon San Francisco that you would go through all this effort to dissuade me from ever considering it.
Posted by: The Angry Young Man | October 22, 2007 07:02 PM
can i have some rain, please? i swear to god i'll pay you back someday.
god bless.
Posted by: Rich | October 23, 2007 09:44 AM
I just got back from Portland yesterday, and, as much as it galls me to say it, I agree with the Angry Young Man's enthusiasm for the place. Shane, you're describing a place that no longer exists, if it ever did to the degree you say.
Posted by: Huntington | October 24, 2007 10:50 AM
when are you and ken going to finally admit that you were made for each other and have 10,000 of each others babies?
jeesh kids. kiss and make out with each other already.
Posted by: the Dread Pirate Rackham | October 24, 2007 09:50 PM
I am just coming off a similar bout of being not quite sick and not quite well, but plenty of scratchy throat and congestion. I'm finally back to just caffeine and not the cold meds. Hurray!
Posted by: JunkThief | October 25, 2007 12:32 PM
You are moving back to Portland? This awesome. But what about your plan to take advantage of Mpls's overpriced condo market?
Posted by: jason | October 26, 2007 11:51 PM
Since I'm suspicious of whether Huntington actually relayed any of my messages to you while you and he were texting (which often seemed like it was constantly during our trip), I'll tell you this now:
- Find a nice little abode somewhere where I can have my own bathroom, and I'll move to Portland with you in an instant. Well, maybe not in an instant, but I'll be more then ready to go by early spring.
Posted by: Joe | October 30, 2007 05:38 PM