Girl Scout Cookies, Redux
I've decided to buy several boxes of delicious Girl Scout cookies this year and lay them out on the table here at Maison le Trou. I have no doubt that Van der Fah Fah will sit right down and eat one right after the other until they're all gone! Yum yum! After all, that's what happened to a box of dusty old Spokandy Elisabeth received as a gift from her father who lives in, where else, Spokane. That stuff is really expensive for chocolate, mang! It's like 20 American dollars a pound! Even that old bat, Mary See, doesn't charge that much. Unbelievable. I must note, however, that I am outraged that the Girl Scouts have replaced Samoas with Carmel Delites. I know that Samoan people resented the fact that their only contribution to world culture was a Girl Scout cookie, but c'mon! I think renaming the cookie is like taking the whole PC thing just a little too far.
Thinking of candy and girl scouts reminded me of the Bluebirds. Remember them? They were like the discount version of the Brownies (which I'm shocked to learn is now open to both girls AND boys! Boy brownies?! What about Cub Scouts? Those lesbiengs will stop at nothing, I tell you!) Bluebirds sold dusty old chocolates too, like crappy chocolate you get in a hospital gift shop. I think they also sold Applets and Cotlets. Sister Woman loves those. Applets and Cotlets remind me of circus peanuts and those weird date trays with the scary looking white plastic pick that you find moldering away in grocery stores all over the country. What's up with that? Have any of you ever bought a date tray from the Safeway? If not you, then who? Old ladies with lots of cats, that's who. They buy those date trays and keep the date tray on top of their icebox, picking out one date a day to masticate, dentures working up a sweat. They forget about the tray after they're half way through it and the dates get all old and hard. Later, after the old lady drops dead and they find her body half gnawed away at by her evil, disloyal, yet totally famished cats, the fossilized date tray ends up on the block at some estate sale. It's totally true. I've seen it with my own eyes.
Anyway, while researching the Bluebirds, I discovered that the Bluebirds are the Brownies of the Campfire Girls! Holy shit! Remember the Campfire Girls? I only do by reputation. I don't think I ever saw any with my own eyes. Anyway, I learned that the Campfire Girls were started by rebel Boy Scout PE teachers back in the Progressive Era right after the Titanic sank. You know, I like the Progressive Era's deranged social engineering way better than our own. I mean, they stopped criminal youth by building parks, libraries, and forcing kids to wear uniforms and start forest fires. What do we get? Marlo Thomas singing "Free to be You and Me" and Wimmen's Studies courses. I feel truly gypped.
Unfortunately, they abolished the Bluebirds back in 1989 and in their place created some "level" called "Starflight." What the hell kind of lesbianese is that? Starflight? Are Starflight Girls Starflighters? I don't get it. I say bring back the Bluebirds.
You know, I was never a Boy Scout or anything like that. Too fascist for me. Surprising, I know, as every gay out there was an Eagle Scout. Oh, except Van der Charlize who was not just an Eagle Scout, but a special individual snowflake as well. What? You're surprised that all the gays were Eagle Scouts? You think we got the gay by natural? How else do you think the gays learned all those knots and other rope tricks eagerly displayed at that tacky Folsom Street fair? Boy Scouts breed gays. The fact that I was never a scout obviously explains my lack of total gayness and total misanthropy. Duh.
OK, enough rambling. Van der Fah Fah is molesting my stuffed tiger, Tatiana, and I must rescue her post haste.
Comments
Yum! Girl Scout cookies are the best - especially the Samoas (Caramel Delights) and those peanut butter ones. Enjoy them while you can - the anti-sugar and anti-fat Nazis are trying to force the Girl Scouts to start selling apples and bananas in place of their delicious "packages of death."
Posted by: Shane | January 26, 2008 09:27 AM
Are you serious?! That's outrageous. Old men slip razor blades into apples and bananas! Girl Scout cookies are hermetically sealed on the factory floor by illegal immigrant slave labor that truly cares. You know what quality your getting with a box of thin mints, but you're taking your chances with fruit! I'm outraged. All lifestyle nazis must be destroyed. It's enough to make me go smoke a cigarette!
Posted by: The Angry Young Man | January 26, 2008 10:27 AM
Yep - it's true. Supposedly the Girl Scouts are peddling "obesity" and should be selling more "nutritious" fare. Stockpile those cookies because it prolly won't be long until the national lifestyle Nazis will force an end to this disgusting display of gluttony and sin. Welcome the new temperance movement!!
Posted by: Shane | January 26, 2008 10:38 AM
You're right about the Scouts and The Gay. I never would've gained what little ability I have to socialize with my own gender if it hadn't been for Scouting.
Posted by: Van der Eagle y Snowflake | January 26, 2008 11:27 AM
Apples and cotlettes are gross, and exist only to be given as christmas gifts from moldering old ladies. Dan'l likes them, tho.
I was a GS and marched door to door, up and down steep rainy mudsoaked Oakland hills peddling those boxes of death for a hundred and thirty years! My mother used to kick me out of the house and lock the door, until I'd sold enough. Today those lucky little bitches' parents set up a table at the Safeway or the mall, and babysit them all day. Back in teh 80's you had to WORK to sell those fuckers.
But I always wanted to be a campfire girl. Uniforms were cooler, and there was candy.
Posted by: Bridey | January 26, 2008 11:28 AM
It's true, every single Eagle Scout I knew, other than myself, eventually became leather clad dungeon masters - and not the kind with beat up books and a grocery bag of multi-sided dice.
Here in the frozen tundra the girl scouts don't set up tables and go door to door . . . here they convince their mothers to do it for them. Which proves that either the next generation is smarter than ours, or that our overinvolved, neurotic women have gone too far in their smothering. Perhaps it proves both.
Posted by: CV Rick | January 26, 2008 11:31 AM
But you ate the Spokandy, AYM. Your endless attempts to deflect the guilt you feel at this now ancient episode of gluttony have now moved beyond sad to just inexplicable.
Posted by: Van der Eagle y Snowflake | January 26, 2008 11:49 AM
Van der Fah Fah, I don't have a gluttonous bone in my body. The whole world knows it was you who snuck into the Maison le Trou kitchens late at night, just so you could huddle in the dark and scarf down pounds of that nasty Spokandy. You're fooling no one.
Posted by: The Angry Young Man | January 26, 2008 11:53 AM
I don't care if you call them "Caramel Deeelites," or "Samoans," or "The Fastest Path to Becoming as Big and Fat as an Old Tongan Lady".... those cookies are deee-licious. I hope you kept Van der Fah Fah (Van der Charlize? wtf?) away.
Applets & Cotlets were surprisingly ok... considering they're some kind of Amurricanized version of the ancient Ottoman sweet known as Loukhoum, or Turkish Deeelite.
I wasn't an Eagle Scout either, which also explains MY misanthropy... and lack of knowledge of most things gay, including how to tie really secure slipknots around one's dungeon prey.
Posted by: Joe | January 28, 2008 02:25 PM
i enjoyed reading your post.
Posted by: isay | January 29, 2008 07:36 PM
Well, accidentally landed here looking for something else.
No one REPLACED Samoas with Carmel Delights.
Same cookie, TWO different cookie companies.
Girl Scouts either have contracts with ABC Bakers or Little Brownie Bakers. They are the only two companies licensed to bake Girl Scout cookies. That is why some area's have some different cookies in addition to the traditional ones and they sell at different times, keeping the cookie companies busy.
The cookies that are the same:
Carmel Delights (Samoas)
Peanut Butter Patties (Tag-a-longs)
Peanut Butter Sandwichs (Do-Si-Dos)
Shortbread (Trefoils)
Thanks-a-lots (All Abouts
and the most famous - Thin Mints
Probably more than you really wanted to know.
Posted by: Just a passerby... | April 2, 2008 11:24 AM